Saturday, September 6, 2008

GOP Convention intruder nailed. Hard.

Apparently, there was a security breach at the Republican convention last night that no one seems free to talk about.

However, a reporter for Talon News was able to interview one delegate who was close to the action. Talon, noted for high journalistic standards, decided not to run this story because the account couldn't be corroborated, but passed it to me so you can decide for yourselves if it's valid. Here is a transcript of the tape:

Reporter: "OK. Mr Haggy, is it?"
Delegate: "Close enough, but just call me Johnny."
Reporter: "All right, Johnny, please tell me what you saw."
Delegate: " Well, I had just wolfed down a couple of them moose burgers they're handin' out and was feelin' kinda full, so I went 'n set down about 15 minutes before we was suppose ta start--thought I'd read some scripture fer a few minutes--settles my stomach down. I was only about 20 feet from the podium. Anyway, I was settin' there readin' Matthew and lookin' at that pretty flag they got up there, when some guy just showed up on the podium like he was Mr. High 'n Mighty hisself. You know--right outta thin air like.

All I can think was he musta been one of them peacenik hippie terrorists the cops missed outside. He had long hair and a beard, and he had on a robe like some kind of A-rab or somethin'. Oh, yeah, he had this little basket he set down, too. And he musta had some kinda trick light that made 'im look like he glowed. Real creepy like.

Anyway, he stood there lookin' around for a minute, and just when he opened his mouth to say somethin', musta been three dozen security guys rushed 'im. He went down right now. That sucker had so many Taser darts in his head, it looked like a crown. When everybody seen that, they all laughed 'n cheered to beat hell. Then,the security guys just grabbed a leg and hauled 'im out the back. A minute later, some mucky-muck with Homeland Security comes out and says 'Please keep quiet about this until we figure out how he got through security. Enjoy the convention and God bless America'. And that was it.

Oh, I almost forgot. That little basket he had? It got kicked and spilled down the steps. All it was was a loaf of bread an' one lousy fish. Musta been his lunch.

The damn fool shoulda went to Denver instead. Not to throw stones, but those librul idiots prob'ly woulda let 'im talk all night."

Friday, September 5, 2008


Nebraska is the last state to have enacted a "safe haven" law, which allows parents to abandon unwanted children at hospitals with no questions asked.

Most states have laws that permit abandonment within the first few days of birth, but Nebraska's law, in effect since July, is much broader in scope. It allows for the abandonment of all minor children--in Nebraska that's age 19--and doesn't specify that only a parent can do it.

If Nebraska's version of "safe-haven" works the way I think it will, other states will change their laws to match. And until that happens, you can bet that people will be traveling to Nebraska by the millions to rid themselves of troublesome brats, no questions asked. Our country will have the best-behaved kids in the world.

Kids, this may be your only warning, so pay attention! Your life just got a lot tougher. You now have to be perfect human beings, and be lucky, too, if you want to stay at home sweet home. Think on this and be afraid, be very afraid---

Mom and dad run out of diapers? Couldn't find a babysitter? Are they tired of your lip? Is your room a mess? Do you fight with your siblings? Are you a picky eater? Ever wreck dad's car? Do you ignore them when they talk to you? Insist on playing your music full blast? Do you change clothes five times a day and take 60 minute showers? See ya!

Won't stay off of the neighbors grass? Do you tease his dog? Come on to his daughter? Or his son? Bye-Bye!

How about school? Tardy or disruptive? Lousy grades? Late homework? Pass notes or make armpit sounds when the teacher isn't looking? Think it's funny to pull bra straps?-- even your teacher's? Sneak smokes in the restroom? Gone, Gone and Gone again!!

Parents ever catch you and the rest of the school using your house for a pot and booze social? Got news-you're all toast!

Starting to get the picture, ya little heathens? Better do the dishes--right after you finish your homework and send Grandma that thank you note you've owed her for a month--and right after you tell mom and dad how much you love them. And then cross your fingers for luck. Every day!

Oh, and one little piece of advice--on Halloween, don't ever say "trick or treat!" again.