Sunday, October 28, 2007

Thank God For Homeland Security

As a cloud of purest white descended slowly, ever so slowly, from an otherwise clear sky over Washington D.C., thousands of onlookers gazed in awe at the strange but somehow non-threatening phenomenon. They noticed, as the cloud gently approached, that it was becoming more transparent, and that within they could see what appeared to be a robed man. Those with the keenest sight reacted first and fell to their knees, and the rest followed in turn, as they realized that the man was on a cross.

The cloud dissipated as it touched down close to the Washington Monument, and after a few moments the man floated from the cross to the earth, raised his hands in supplication, and prepared to speak. Though the crowd was far-flung, each person could see him as if he were only a few feet away.

Just as he opened his mouth, several dozen men rushed at the man, screaming "Take him down now!" A bullhorn blared as the man was hauled away, limp and bloody, and a strong voice announced to the stunned assembly "You are safe now! We have stopped the attack! I repeat-- you are safe! You can return to your homes as soon as we collect all cameras and cell phones! God bless America!".

The next day, President Bush, with several religious leaders and the heads of every agency within the Department of Homeland Security, let the whole world know that America had been attacked by the leader of a group of crazed heretics bent on destroying our way of life, and that it was only by the vigilance of the security agencies that no lasting damage had been done, and that martial law was being declared simply as a "precaution" until the rest of the terrorists could be rounded up and brought to justice.

It was only a few weeks later that disturbing pictures began to circulate through the underground. They show a robed man, his face reflecting the most profound sadness, dragging a cross up a hill. And on his head, a crown of Taser darts.

Serves the damn fool right.

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